As I told you yesterday, I finalized my divorce after 3 long years. The supposedly ‘amicable’ event took a horrible turn about one year after our separation. I asked for the separation, I had been married for 21 years at that point and it had become so challenging I barely could stand to be in the same house. We did not yell, or fight…. he is a passive aggressive person. It is bizarre, if you have ever experienced, (and realized it) being with a passive aggressive person.
Hale Dwoskin at the sedona method says: “People who are passive-aggressive appear on the outside to agree and get along with others. In reality, however, they passively resist them, and become increasingly hostile and angry in the process.” This is exactly what I experienced. He always wanted to appear like the “good guy”, and pointed it out all the time.
The strange thing is you really think you are nuts sometimes. They never think anyone ever treats them well and are always saying “look at all I do for you”, yet you feel the true resentment coming out of them. It took me years and years to figure out that he was depressed and passive aggressive. I would constantly try to make him happy, lift him up and carry the mood. If you have ever tried to please other people, it is exhausting. I had done this with my parents for most of my life as well. It is never good enough, never. You aren’t here to please others, and you can never do it.
Hale goes on to explain: “Because someone who is passive-aggressive is internally angry, but hides it on the outside, it can be very challenging to overcome in a relationship.” Yes, indeed. No matter how many times I asked what is wrong, I never got an honest answer.
“Someone who is passive-aggressive is often acting covertly to act out their resistance and anger — and this makes it more difficult for them and others to deal with.†Hale continues.
So my “Inspired Action” for today is: Stop trying to please other people. Do not change who you are for them and do not take responsibility for their emotions. It was interesting that when he finally agreed to go to counseling, the counselor would ask me (in our one on one sessions) “why don’t you tell him how you feel?”. I told him I never wanted to do anything to make him more angry so I walked around “on eggshells” for years. Even though his anger was passive, it always felt like he was throwing daggers at me from his solar plexus as I crossed the room. He would intentionally not do things if he knew I wanted or needed it. I bought curtains that sat there waiting for him to put them up for 3 years!
What was the therapists answer? “Well you just have to let him react any way he is going to react, that is his choice, but it should never stop you from honestly expressing yourself”.
I say the same to you now. Let go of feeling responsible for others feelings and reactions, and give yourself permission to express yourself honestly and authentically. Know you have to be true to you, and act in a manner that expresses your true inner beauty. You are responsible for yourself, so take back your power.
“If you are in a relationship with someone who is always resisting your desires or needs in this way, you should decide whether the relationship is worth keeping.” Hale Dwoskin.
It took me many long years to realize what I was in, and what to do about it. It took more years to legally get out of the relationship. I wish I knew then what I know now. If I had valued myself more, if I had taken responsibility only for my emotions and not others, I would have changed my life much sooner. You can, do it now.
Finally Hale says: “…let go of the anger it brings up inside of you. You should also draw up your own boundaries — such as only meeting with them when absolutely necessary — and not allow the person to cross them or draw you in to a fight.”
Believe you are worth positive, uplifting, loving relationships, and you can do whatever you need to do to change your current situation. Try “Joyful Creating”…and create what you really want from your real power, the power inside of you. Choose love, joy and bliss. Since all possibilities are all around us at all times, it is a matter of believing you desreve it, and choosing to allow it in. You can do it. Let me know how I can help.
Written by Nan
If you read something here that touched or moved you, lifted you up or made you happy…please share it with a friend! Nan Akasha been studying, applying and teaching a vast array of philosophies, healing and manifestation tools for almost 20 years. Her passion is to find the easiest and most fun way to intentionally create and design the life of her dreams and share that with you! Using her years of meditation, hypnosis and law of attraction experience, she designs and finds ways to effortlessly manifest desires. Author of books and audios, film maker, mother of twins and intensely happy human, Nan wants you to be, do and have whatever you want, now. Check out her website Createyourownrealitynow.com...don't wait, dive into your life now and learn how to ask, attract, see and receive your ideal life... the easy and joyful way! Check out my weekly video show on the Internet at Manifestion Station. My show is called “Create Your Own Reality Now†Nan Akasha Copyright (c) 2007 Create Your Own Reality Now, FIFR, LLC All newsletters free to share, distribute and print only in their entirety–text, image, video, byline, and copyright.
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Wonderful, I really enjoyed this! Thanks so much for this. I was trampled upon growing up by similar types (without really realizing it - just accepted it as ‘normality’), and just quite recently I’ve noticed how my ill feelings of self-worth have created a vicious cycle of not-so-good relationships and more ill self-worth. I’ve been more assertive of myself, and my happiness, through my relationships. It’s been a definite change in being for me, but it’s nice
James
I am so pleased this was helpful for you. I cannot tell you how long it took me to figure this out and how clear it seems to me now. My life continues to change for the better everyday knowing this. I never think blaming others or feeling like a victim is useful, however understanding why you feel like you do, why you cannot figure out some things allows you to be able to really make conscious changes for yourself.
I wish I could find a way to touch every person who has lack of self esteem and open their hearts and minds to the knowing that when you love, value and respect yourself first above all, your life and the people in it imporve by drastic amounts.
Most of us being taught or shown through society, family or religion, that being self confident, self loving and putting our needs first is bad, is so incredibly damaging and causes more pain, hurt, bad relationships, even war. It sounds dramatic, but when we do not put our needs and likes first, we cannot be the fullest expression of our potential, fully love and share, and that is what expands the world and the beauty in it.
Keep moving forward and laove yourself, I stillhave challenges that arise and as I realize it and process and release it, I become more peaceful and loving and happy!
To your power and joy!
Nan
Nan, thank you for this inspiring article and sharing your story. Your point of exercising full self-expression is well taken. I, however, have something to ask you because I find it hard to appreciate one aspect of what you said. This may be due to my lack of proper understanding of our rights to say whatever we want without concerns for other people’s feelings.
You advised that we should let go of feeling responsible for others’ feelings and reactions, and give yourself permission to express yourself honestly and authentically. I disagree here because our expression is a powerful medium. It can do good, and it can do very bad things if we are not careful.
To illustrate, I had once asked my co-worker for instructions on how to embed rich media in email newsletters. This is something that is not in my work responsibilities. Yet a friend asked me how to do it, I did not know, so I went to my co-worker whom I thought would know the answer. My co-worker responded by saying, “it cannot be done . . . why do you ask? Are you working on your own stuff?” with our boss standing at the desk next to mine. I was taken aback by his manner of expression. Yet, I casually replied that the information was not for myself, but a friend wanted to know. This co-worker responded with this, “who wants to know? This person must not be well-informed.” At this I was thoroughly upset by, again, his manner of expression.
I later had a chat with him and told him of my feelings. And sure enough, he was unaware of the impact of his manner of expression. I advised him that he should be more careful of what he says, lest he could inadvertently get people into trouble or insult the people he does not even know. He replied that he believes he should be able to say whatever that is in his mind!
Well, Nan, what do you think about that? I feel that it is *totally* selfish of us to embody the kind of attitude my co-worker has. I always endeavor to consider my communications very carefully because I don’t want to offend or hurt other people. I am not trying to please everybody, yet I do not want to hurt or anger people either.
JC Thanks so much for sharing! I appreciate what you say, it is a strange and often fine line when you get into understanding these things.
I see you look at this other person and you feel they were rude and acted inappropriately. Look at it as your ego responding to what he said and did, and it had nothing to do with you! Most of the time, how others act has nothing to do with you or anyone but themselves. The myth is that most of us think everyone is doing stuff because of us, no it is only because of them, just as we act from our perspective. Being the “nice” person only means you have decided to put yourself behind others, and that never works no matter how long you do it.
What that person did and said, has nothing to do with you, and it is only you (your ego/personality/identity part of you) that is reacting to it, feeling it is inappropriate.
Being yourself and tuning into who you are, is abut being true to yourself, and then communicating honestly with those in your life, It is not about letting your ego run rampant and step on others, or about letting others egos step on you. It is about empowering yourself to be who you are and realize NOTHING what anyone else does has anything to do with you, can’t effect you and has no power (unless you decide to empower it).
Realize you have a choice and you don’t make choices for them only you and your choices, about what you feel think, see and act, are up to you, but you have no control over anyone else.
The more energy you give to they did this or that…”, the less energy you have to build your own world.
By being nice to others , but in the meantime lying, not expressing how you really feel, you honor no one. However the alternative, is not being rude. You can choose what you express, and you can do it from an empowered place, not a “you should/should not…” place. Anytime you try to change or control other, no matter what they have done, you are off track. Ans stop acting like you think you should, being ‘nice’ to them makes no difference, being true to yourself does.. and you can do it with grace!